Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
