I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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