It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
