oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
