She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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