my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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