So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
