Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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