Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it hurts more in the daytime
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
