why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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