I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
