New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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