I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
