I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
