when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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