I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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