I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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