I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
