pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
BRING THE BAGELS
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
