The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i believe in u and ur pee
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
