Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
