Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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