Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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