Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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