My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
