So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my being single is dangerous.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
