When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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