i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
