I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
