every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
