Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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