Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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