Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
