I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
