I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
