my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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