I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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