Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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