I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
