You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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