I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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