Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
