After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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