how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He felt like a one man threesome
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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