nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
