Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm really busy with my period
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