Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
