The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
