when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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