Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
This house was built for laser tag.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
