Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is the high leading the old right now
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
