Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
