i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
