babies were throwing up all over the place
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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