SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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