You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
