New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
