listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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