you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
