I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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