I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
