I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
