Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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