when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
