I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
