Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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