I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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