My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
